Monday, October 27, 2008

Miami Vice--I'm Beating a Dead Horse Probably

(I wrote the following review two years ago and posted it on facebook. This movie came out almost 3 years ago, but whatever, you need to know what to avoid).

And I quote (myself):

"So I'm wide awake, and wanted to enjoy the movie I rented. I should have known that the "unrated" version of Miami Vice was gonna suck.

7 out of 10 times they make an unrated version of a movie cause it did terrible in theaters and they think if they throw in some sex and f-bombs it'll boost dvd sales. It works every time, of course, but it doesn't mean the movie still doesn't suck.


The best is when the sex scenes weren't in the original cut at all, and so the characters who got it on 5 minutes ago are acting like they totally didn't just scronk it when they interact again in the next scene.


I actually stopped the movie an hour and 10 minutes into it. I couldn't take how dumb it was anymore. Cliche? Did somebody here order a helping of cliche with a twist of unoriginal cinematography? Anybody?
Colin, Jamie; your movie sucks.


Maybe I'm too much of a purest at heart, but I hate the whole unrated thing that's been going on with new movies.
It's just too obvious to me that Hollywood's marketing teams are practically writing the scripts for these sell-out unrated versions of flop movies. "Sex sells". If they can get the words "sexuality, nudity" or even "brief nudity" onto the mpaa rating box on the back of DVDs then it's missioned accomplished for the marketing teams.
Dudes know, unrated equals boobs. Boobs sell crap movies.
Why do you think horror movies have sex.

Take Bloodrayne for example: CRAP MOVIE!!! I've seen video games with WAY better stories. Kristanna Loken is SOOOO HOT though. I watched this on DVD before I'd gotten wise to the unrated-game Hollywood was playing. The movie sucked SOOOOO BAD, but there was a long, random sex scene where Loken goes topless. Probably saved DVD sales. The scene was obviously cut out of the original cause the characters who got it on don't even look at each other later. Course, that happens in real life too sometimes... eh?
It's to the point now where when I see the unrated version available for sale, I assume the movie sucked in theaters and will suck STILL.
But I'd be wrong sometimes.
I hear
The Hills Have Eyes scared the crap out of people (mission accomplished Dune Entertainment), and yet there's the unrated version available for sale... why? If people love the theatrical... I honestly don't see the logic.
Maybe, like I said, to boost DVD sales.
So I guess not ALL unrated movies suck--just MOST of them.
Either way, Miama Vice is on my top 4 worst movies of all time list. I should make a list.
Right now?
Miami Vice
Bloodrayne (boobs couldn't save it)
Dark Water

I've whined enough.


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